Performative Masculinity: The painful truth most men in personal development won’t admit
The lies men tell themselves while pretending to evolve
The more space a man creates for personal development, the more chances he has to swap one mask for another - and still avoid the real work.
Which is: Taking responsibility and facing the uncomfortable.
More and more men today search for something outside themselves to feel “fulfilled” or to discover deeper “meaning” in life - thinking that those things will finally bring them what they long for: sensation, drive, clarity.
And yes, this opens the door to trying new things, which is totally valid.
But often what you actually discover is just a new mask, through a new clothing style, new diet, new philosophy, or a new way of speaking - all disconnected from who you truly are.
That’s not the real work. That’s spiritual marketing. That’s trying to sell a false image of yourself.
You don’t notice it right away, because the new version of yourself feels powerful.
You know more.
You understand more.
But actually- you just became a better actor.
You’ve learned how to act conscious.
You say you want to know who you really are… and how to “heal” your pain.
But in truth - you’re afraid to see yourself.
Afraid to face the truth and admit it to yourself, because it feels so dark and disgusting that you just want to run from it, push it away and sweep it under the rug.
So you chase ceremonies, festivals, retreats and “spiritual” experiences you imagine will lead you to truth.
But really, you’re just picking up colorful paints and covering up the canvas.
Because those truly dark colors feel too “negative” for the version of yourself you’re becoming.
You think you’re moving toward the light - but that light is just an escape from your own darkness.
Instead of walking into the fire…
You just change rooms.
And you call that “evolution.”
Why?
Because you want validation.
You want confirmation that you’re worth something.
That you’re a man.
That you deserve to have what you want in life.
So you become just another one of those men:
The man who says he knows authenticity - but lives in mental analysis and is disconnected from his body.
The man who condemns manipulators - yet pretends to be a friend in private, while publicly throwing others under the bus.
The man who criticizes fakes and “flowboys” - but spent €20K on pickup artistry and tantra festivals, still hasn’t had a relationship lasting more than a year, and flies to Bali to grieve a breakup by sleeping with a dozen new women.
The man who dances barefoot at spiritual festivals and speaks in “special” words - but still doesn’t know which God he prays to, or how. (Spoiler: there is only one God.)
The man who tells others they’ll succeed if they follow their passion - but secretly curses and blames them when they make choices that threaten his credibility.
The man who doesn’t see the effort others are making doing the real work - so he tries to sell them a course that supposedly “changes lives from the ground up.”
The man who attends workshops and calls himself “awake” - yet still can’t have an honest conversation with his own father.
The man who says he’s “integrated” - but keeps giving away his power when it’s time to make real decisions.
The man who sees ‘bad‘ ego in others - but instead of building something of his own, he steals from others and packages it under his own name.
The man who trains his body and studies the mind - but can’t spend 5 minutes in real deep intimacy with the people closest to him.
The man who initiates others - but has never faced his own darkness or cleaned up his own shit.
And that’s where the story ends:
so much noise about “truth”
a so little silence for truth to unearth
Where everyone talks about “consciousness”…
Very few actually live it.
True growth doesn’t come from being aware of your behavior alone,
but from being aware of the program that activates that behavior.
This is the key: The program that hijacks you the moment you enter that behavioral loop.
Real awareness is knowing:
Who are you becoming in those moments when the program starts to fire up?
What do you say about yourself, about others, and about the problem you’re facing?
What’s the story inside your head?
And how does that story move through your body —
As fear?
Jealousy?
Anger?
Frustration?
Fight response?
A man who sees this, and lives this awareness, every day,
is a man who observes, who listens, and moves with truth.
He designs a life aligned with his values.
He nurtures his romantic relationship.
He is transparent among other men.
Through difficult challenges, he builds deeper trust with himself and with those around him.
He recognizes his role as the protector of the space he lives in, and the people he cares for.
He wields the sword of truth- yes, even one fueled by rage to cut through what threatens what matters most.
He is not worshiping his ego, nor he seeks to kill it.
He uses it as a tool, shaped only by truth.
He walks with purpose.
Fully aware of the value his attention and time carry, and he directs that where it matters most.
He doesn’t waste it on distractions, no matter how loud they are.
He senses them, but doesn’t react.
He knows his instinctual danger detector, and trusts it to guide him.
He leans on it.
And he acts when it’s needed.
Whatever is not his, he lets go.
And whatever is his, he carries, even when it’s heavy.
Because truth is heavy and dangerous in today’s world.
He knows he can walk the path alone.
But still chooses to be part of a men’s team/circle who share the same values and vision of life.
Most importantly, he gives the burden of life to God.
Because in the end, we humans do not have all the answers.
He’s not afraid to admit when he’s wrong,
Nor to take full responsibility,
Not just for honoring the mistake, but for the aligned action that follows after.
He doesn’t see his loved ones as a sacrifice,
He sees them as the investment worth every drop of his sweat.
The man you’re pretending to be is costing you the one you were born to become.
You don’t need more journaling, more talking, or another mask of ‘conscious masculinity’.
You need structure.
You need containment.
You need to walk through the fire - and come out initiated.
That’s what I offer.
Guidance rooted in biology, psyche and archetypes.
A path that brings you back to your core - with clarity, strength and truth.
I’m opening 2 private 1:1 coaching spots for men ready to move out of pressure into purpose.
If you’re ready to step reply to this email, or in the comments with: “I’m in” and I’ll send you the deets.
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